Competition That Hurts

This week I noticed I was feeling crummy. I noticed I was doing lots of negative self-talk. When I thought about its' source, I realized it came from hearing colleagues talk about their success. One has received a great deal of work and one is living her dream. Now why did this make me feel crummy? Because I compared myself. Even though I have enough work and my Life’s Work is my work, I thought, “Oh no, they are doing better than me.” It was as if somehow that made me less than.

Can I be OK if others are smarter, faster, or make more money? Can I be OK if others meditate more, seem more present, more grounded or more loving? We have such a competitive culture it is easy to get confused. We confuse excellence or being our best self, with being better than other people. It a silly way to feel OK about ourselves.

In the March/April issue of The Intelligent Optimist magazine, there was an interesting article entitled “Life is Not a Contest”. It seems there is a growing body of research that shows competitiveness can interfere with both performance and well-being in the classroom, workplace and amazingly – on the playing field.
This makes sense, when we are focused on others; we give our power away. Elipting (at term coined by aikdo master, Wendy Palmer) is when we lose focus on what we want to be about and what we want to create; our attention elipts onto others.

So what to do if you catch yourself comparing yourself, like I did earlier this week? No Contest author, Alfie Kohn, recommends monitoring yourself and catching yourself in the act of comparing or focusing on beating others. If my boss praises a co-worker in a meeting that does not mean I am not doing good work. I need to remember what I have been focused on, what I have accomplished. If I don’t do well or we lose, it is not a sign I am a loser. It is feedback for me to reflect on, to learn from.

“Take someone who doesn't keep score,
who's not looking to be richer, or afraid of losing,
who has not the slightest interest even
in his own personality: he's free.”
― Rumi