It may not be personal, it may be projection

“To become the best of myself, I have to accept the worst in myself, comfort it, put it to bed and close the door.” ~Beryl Singleton Bissell

The second agreement in Don Miguel Ruiz’ book, The Four Agreements,is “Don't Take it Personally”. Other people are just living out their story as best they can. Their actions, judgments, blaming, name calling are a reflection of their story. I have always liked the idea but have not always succeeded. As I have been learning more about that as I explore the Jungian concept of the shadow and it's manifestation - projection, I realize the truth of Ruiz's agreement.

As you may recall from my last blog, the shadow is those parts of ourselves we viewed as unacceptable and have disowned. These dark emotions are repressed and unconscious, but they keep popping up. Instead of feeling and dealing with my own pain, I project it on others. It is easier to blame others and to focus on them not being enough than to take responsibility than it is to feel my way through my own fear of not being enough. It is, "I am OK, you are not and I feel better about that."

I can use my projections to see my own shadow, notice it, and contact those hidden feelings beneath it. I can learn to accept that I am this way for a reason. It takes the power away from the shadow and helps me return to wholeness.

According to Chopra, Ford, and Williamson in The Shadow Effect, we can work our way through this in four choices:

1. Stop Projecting. Notice it. This is tricky, as the source is unconscious. Negativity is a sign that I am projecting.This reminds me of Dr. Brené Brown's work on being more resilient with shame and vulnerability. It takes courage to look at what is going on; what is behind it

2. Detach and let go. It is hard to let go of the negative. Feelings have a compelling story behind them. You are not your feelings. Chopra et al suggest you treat negative feelings like the an allergy or cold - a cold makes you miserable, but it passes. Brené Brown suggests reaching out and connecting with trusted ones who will empathize with you.

3. Give up self-judgment. Brené Brown calls this choice compassion. We are not less than for having these negative feelings. I can still listen and hold on to my conscience without beating myself up. (To hear an example of how I used Brown's 3 steps of courage, connection and compassion, listen to the Best of Ourselves radio segment)

4. Rebuild your emotional body. As negative feelings surface, replace them with something new. Just like a rock in your shoe, remove it. Chopra says the way to do this is to have a Vision, for example:
• becoming whole,
• being the best of myself,
• learning self-acceptance:

I am realizing more and more what Beryl said is so true, to become my best self I DO have to accept my worst self. And understanding projection further reinforces Ruiz’s 2nd agreement. How other people react to me has as much (or more) to do with them and then me. So I don’t need to take it all personally.

“Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing there is a field. I'll meet you there.

~ Rumi