Embracing vulnerability

“Authenticity is the daily practice of letting go of who we think we are supposed to be and embracing who we are.” ~ Brené Brown

This week we ran an old radio show, the one where I first describe Dr Brené Brown's work. That was 2 years ago. I am so grateful that my daughter sent me her TED talk. At first, I was embarrassed, thinking she was revealing my secrets. If you listened this week to the replay, you may hear my hesitance in using the word "shame" on the air. I wish I could remember more about my embarrassment. Because now,I am so grateful for her research and the lessons in resilience. I have so many stories of times where shame has taken me hostage and a new little voice in my head asks what is going on? Is it shame? Then I remember the 3 C's - courage to look at what is going on; compassion for myself and connecting with trusted friends who will empathize.

A few weeks ago, I left a family member's house feeling icky. In the past I might have pushed through this. This time, I wondered why? I remembered I had said something that was harsh. I did not mean it be personal, but I think it was taken that way. I was ashamed of myself. Then I thought maybe I could just feel guilty instead (there is a big difference). Feeling guilty meant I could do something to make amends. I called the victim of my words and apologized. I felt vulnerable doing this. But I did it. And I called the witness of my words and apologized again. I felt lighter. I could forgive myself for my error and felt hopeful that I might be a bit more resilient.

Thank you Dr. Brown!

“God give me the courage to show up and let myself be seen.”

Brené Brown

It may not be personal, it may be projection

“To become the best of myself, I have to accept the worst in myself, comfort it, put it to bed and close the door.” ~Beryl Singleton Bissell

The second agreement in Don Miguel Ruiz’ book, The Four Agreements,is “Don't Take it Personally”. Other people are just living out their story as best they can. Their actions, judgments, blaming, name calling are a reflection of their story. I have always liked the idea but have not always succeeded. As I have been learning more about that as I explore the Jungian concept of the shadow and it's manifestation - projection, I realize the truth of Ruiz's agreement.

As you may recall from my last blog, the shadow is those parts of ourselves we viewed as unacceptable and have disowned. These dark emotions are repressed and unconscious, but they keep popping up. Instead of feeling and dealing with my own pain, I project it on others. It is easier to blame others and to focus on them not being enough than to take responsibility than it is to feel my way through my own fear of not being enough. It is, "I am OK, you are not and I feel better about that."

I can use my projections to see my own shadow, notice it, and contact those hidden feelings beneath it. I can learn to accept that I am this way for a reason. It takes the power away from the shadow and helps me return to wholeness.

According to Chopra, Ford, and Williamson in The Shadow Effect, we can work our way through this in four choices:

1. Stop Projecting. Notice it. This is tricky, as the source is unconscious. Negativity is a sign that I am projecting.This reminds me of Dr. Brené Brown's work on being more resilient with shame and vulnerability. It takes courage to look at what is going on; what is behind it

2. Detach and let go. It is hard to let go of the negative. Feelings have a compelling story behind them. You are not your feelings. Chopra et al suggest you treat negative feelings like the an allergy or cold - a cold makes you miserable, but it passes. Brené Brown suggests reaching out and connecting with trusted ones who will empathize with you.

3. Give up self-judgment. Brené Brown calls this choice compassion. We are not less than for having these negative feelings. I can still listen and hold on to my conscience without beating myself up. (To hear an example of how I used Brown's 3 steps of courage, connection and compassion, listen to the Best of Ourselves radio segment)

4. Rebuild your emotional body. As negative feelings surface, replace them with something new. Just like a rock in your shoe, remove it. Chopra says the way to do this is to have a Vision, for example:
• becoming whole,
• being the best of myself,
• learning self-acceptance:

I am realizing more and more what Beryl said is so true, to become my best self I DO have to accept my worst self. And understanding projection further reinforces Ruiz’s 2nd agreement. How other people react to me has as much (or more) to do with them and then me. So I don’t need to take it all personally.

“Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing there is a field. I'll meet you there.

~ Rumi

Seasons Greetings - lessons from the past 18 months

Happy Summer Solstice! During the traditional time for such missives, I did not have the energy or clarity to send out much. Now, after a blessed retreat, I am ready to share some of my recent lessons --- * Retreats aid intentional living. I had no real idea why I was going to Ireland for 4 weeks. Our trip was like falling through a crack in time; all moved at a different pace. John O’Donohue said, “We have made time the enemy. Stress is a perverted relationship with time. Time is the mother of all presence.” For many years, I have started each day “knowing” there was not enough time – I think this is his definition of perverted. The gift of my work is that it requires me to fully show up; I am continuing to learn how to bask in the spaciousness of now. *Self Awareness is so much easier with compassion. Thanks to my lessons in self-compassion I am more able to notice what I actually do or say. I feel more open-hearted, even around my shadow. It is helps knowing I may not use these observations to beat myself up. *Attention is powerful – use it wisely. Reading about neuroscience this year has given me great hope for change. We CAN sculpt our brains by what we attend to; what do I want to focus on? That requires both knowing what I want to create and awareness of where my attention is going. This awareness has encouraged me to enhance my mindfulness practices. *When you follow your heart, it is amazing to watch how it unfolds. Many wise people have said something similar to Joseph Campbell’s quote “Follow your bliss and the universe will open doors where there were only walls.” And even though I have experienced that before and believe it for others; I am challenged to hold the faith for myself. And yet, as I get clear about where I want to focus my energy once again opportunities open up that I did not imagine. For example, I knew I wanted to host more retreats this year. The number is up 200% over last year and growing... Knowing how powerful it is to focus on what I want to create, I am sllllllooooowwwwlllyyyy learning to trust the process. In case you are wondering what readings have been influencing me this year: Buddha's Brain, Flourish, Mindsight and Self Compassion are at the top of the list.

Resilience, Lessons from Brene Brown

Earlier this year, I was delighted and challenged to read Brene Brown's book "The Gifts of Imperfection". It deepened my understanding of shame. It was comforting to know that my deep fear that I am not _____ (smart, thin,thoughtful, courageous athletic, parent, daughter...)enough is in every human being capable of human connection. In Dr Brown's research she documented what she called "whole hearted people"; people with shame resilience. The day after reading the book, I made a mistake. A big one. A wash of shame filled my gut. Then I remembered the book; I did not have to let shame stay in the driver seat. I remembered 3 keys to resilience: courage, compassion and connection. I admitted my mistake to those involved (and offered to make amends. I shared my story with trusted friends. And I felt compassion for myself. It was a mistake. One that I caught right away. A mistake doesn't make me less than... it is part of the human condition.

"Owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing that we will ever do." Brene Brown, "The Gifts of Imperfection"