Resilience, Lessons from Brene Brown

Earlier this year, I was delighted and challenged to read Brene Brown's book "The Gifts of Imperfection". It deepened my understanding of shame. It was comforting to know that my deep fear that I am not _____ (smart, thin,thoughtful, courageous athletic, parent, daughter...)enough is in every human being capable of human connection. In Dr Brown's research she documented what she called "whole hearted people"; people with shame resilience. The day after reading the book, I made a mistake. A big one. A wash of shame filled my gut. Then I remembered the book; I did not have to let shame stay in the driver seat. I remembered 3 keys to resilience: courage, compassion and connection. I admitted my mistake to those involved (and offered to make amends. I shared my story with trusted friends. And I felt compassion for myself. It was a mistake. One that I caught right away. A mistake doesn't make me less than... it is part of the human condition.

"Owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing that we will ever do." Brene Brown, "The Gifts of Imperfection"

What Do I Trust?

It has been a week of disappointments... catching a local woman shoplifting in our little gallery and then having a casual friend damage something of mine. Both of these incidents felt awful. With the shoplifter, we have an ally with sheriff and county attorney. The fact that she has stolen art from other galleries strengthens our resolve to follow through.

It is harder to know how to move forward with my casual friend. It wasnt just that she damaged something. It was her changing story about what had happened. I am not sure how trust gets re-built. Can it? The first time this person challenged my trust, we talked about it. Mistakes happen I thought. Maybe I wasn't listening well. The 2nd time I found her changing story did not match the facts as they unfolded; trust was broken. I am pulling away from this woman. She doesn't see why her hiding information reduced my trust; I have little hope for change. Maybe I was naive to forgive the first incident. I have a habit of being optimistic without cause. And I know optimism isn't delusional; it is looking at reality as it is and choosing to focus on love. So I wish both of these women well. But that is not the same as trusting them...

Standing In My Power

I have given this talk before. It is a question I care about. How do I not live small? How do I have to courage to show up authentically AND open-hearted? So much of the dialogue about power is about power-over. CORE power (centered, real, authentic) frees me from power-over.

Resources I found helpful include:

Learned Optimism, Martin Seligman
Let Your Life Speak, Parker Palmer
Mindsets, Carol Dweck
I Thought It Was Just Me, Brene Brown
Peak Performance, collection of Harvard Business Review articles

www.consciousembodiment.com, Wendy Palmer
www.mindsetsonline.com, the work of Carol Dweck

Focus Ideas

Why is it so hard to not respond to e-mails right away? I have always loved getting mail, but this is ridiculous. Time can dissolve while I respond to some not so urgent requests. Without being intentional and using some discipline, I will never get to the important but not urgent stuff. I can't even keep up with what lands on my desk unless I use my time more consciously. I am not going for perfection, however, I would like to be a bit more intentional.

Tips I have heard or tried:
This morning, I only had 30 minutes for one design AND I was shocked how much I got done when I focused.

Get up every 30 minutes -- one friend keeps a small cup of water on her desk so she has to get up regularly

Dont turn on the computer until you have done something important

Meditate, go for a walk, or something to collect yourself in the middle of the day.

Focus in Busy Times

I have been reading a lot about energy over the past few years -- how do I consciously steward my own. My current areas of leverage are physical and focus. I have added a few new positive practices to help me in the physical arena; I now have a trainer and a few days a week, I put on my work-out clothes first thing and am not allowed to shower until I do "something". Now, I need a ritual to help me with eating (particulary sugary stuff). My husband and daughter love the website Fitday. I will try tracking my food on that.

On the focus front, journaling each morning helps (now that habit is ingrained). I am going to add: setting my intention for the day and noting what I am grateful for.

What are some of the ways you focus your energy on what matters most?

Focusing Energy on What Matters Most

What makes the difference?
One of the most important lessons I have learned in my career is the power of a time out. From short breaks in the day to silent retreats. It is amazing how stepping away clears my vision, renews my energy and generates creative ideas. That is why I am walking across the deck to sit silently in A Room of One's Own for 48 hours during one of my busiest times. My intention is to restore my energy and to see through my massive "to do" list to discern what is really mine to do.

I am grateful that I have the carved the space. Grateful I can stay close to home. And grateful my husband supports these breaks. After the last one, I came back in such a good mood, he suggested I should do these more often...I think I will!

Living Intentionally

"Ninety percent of the game is half mental." Yogi Berra

A friend recommended the book, Mind Gym. It is written by Gary Mack, a sport psychologist, about the inner game. It is helpful to be reminded how powerful our intentions can be. Once you reach a certain level of competency, the mental skills become more important for performance. I have 2 presentations this fall. When I think about either, I get nervous. I can hear fear's voice take hold, " Are you good enough?" "Do you have anything important to teach?"... So I have started to add a mental rehearsal to my preparation. I started by doing an exercise recommended by Mack, think of a time when you were performing at your best." Using that experience, I can recall how I felt. I imagine myself the day of the presentation. I feel myself performing at my best. Relaxed, open-hearted, and grounded. I can even imagine having a negative thought creep in and easily changing the mental channel back to my intention. Of course,I have to keep crafting my message and refining my stories. And it is fun to begin sketching in a positive story in my mind's eye.

"Learn to use your mind or your mind will use you. Actions follow our thoughts and images. Don't look where you don't want to go." Gary Mack