Embracing vulnerability

“Authenticity is the daily practice of letting go of who we think we are supposed to be and embracing who we are.” ~ Brené Brown

This week we ran an old radio show, the one where I first describe Dr Brené Brown's work. That was 2 years ago. I am so grateful that my daughter sent me her TED talk. At first, I was embarrassed, thinking she was revealing my secrets. If you listened this week to the replay, you may hear my hesitance in using the word "shame" on the air. I wish I could remember more about my embarrassment. Because now,I am so grateful for her research and the lessons in resilience. I have so many stories of times where shame has taken me hostage and a new little voice in my head asks what is going on? Is it shame? Then I remember the 3 C's - courage to look at what is going on; compassion for myself and connecting with trusted friends who will empathize.

A few weeks ago, I left a family member's house feeling icky. In the past I might have pushed through this. This time, I wondered why? I remembered I had said something that was harsh. I did not mean it be personal, but I think it was taken that way. I was ashamed of myself. Then I thought maybe I could just feel guilty instead (there is a big difference). Feeling guilty meant I could do something to make amends. I called the victim of my words and apologized. I felt vulnerable doing this. But I did it. And I called the witness of my words and apologized again. I felt lighter. I could forgive myself for my error and felt hopeful that I might be a bit more resilient.

Thank you Dr. Brown!

“God give me the courage to show up and let myself be seen.”

Brené Brown

It may not be personal, it may be projection

“To become the best of myself, I have to accept the worst in myself, comfort it, put it to bed and close the door.” ~Beryl Singleton Bissell

The second agreement in Don Miguel Ruiz’ book, The Four Agreements,is “Don't Take it Personally”. Other people are just living out their story as best they can. Their actions, judgments, blaming, name calling are a reflection of their story. I have always liked the idea but have not always succeeded. As I have been learning more about that as I explore the Jungian concept of the shadow and it's manifestation - projection, I realize the truth of Ruiz's agreement.

As you may recall from my last blog, the shadow is those parts of ourselves we viewed as unacceptable and have disowned. These dark emotions are repressed and unconscious, but they keep popping up. Instead of feeling and dealing with my own pain, I project it on others. It is easier to blame others and to focus on them not being enough than to take responsibility than it is to feel my way through my own fear of not being enough. It is, "I am OK, you are not and I feel better about that."

I can use my projections to see my own shadow, notice it, and contact those hidden feelings beneath it. I can learn to accept that I am this way for a reason. It takes the power away from the shadow and helps me return to wholeness.

According to Chopra, Ford, and Williamson in The Shadow Effect, we can work our way through this in four choices:

1. Stop Projecting. Notice it. This is tricky, as the source is unconscious. Negativity is a sign that I am projecting.This reminds me of Dr. Brené Brown's work on being more resilient with shame and vulnerability. It takes courage to look at what is going on; what is behind it

2. Detach and let go. It is hard to let go of the negative. Feelings have a compelling story behind them. You are not your feelings. Chopra et al suggest you treat negative feelings like the an allergy or cold - a cold makes you miserable, but it passes. Brené Brown suggests reaching out and connecting with trusted ones who will empathize with you.

3. Give up self-judgment. Brené Brown calls this choice compassion. We are not less than for having these negative feelings. I can still listen and hold on to my conscience without beating myself up. (To hear an example of how I used Brown's 3 steps of courage, connection and compassion, listen to the Best of Ourselves radio segment)

4. Rebuild your emotional body. As negative feelings surface, replace them with something new. Just like a rock in your shoe, remove it. Chopra says the way to do this is to have a Vision, for example:
• becoming whole,
• being the best of myself,
• learning self-acceptance:

I am realizing more and more what Beryl said is so true, to become my best self I DO have to accept my worst self. And understanding projection further reinforces Ruiz’s 2nd agreement. How other people react to me has as much (or more) to do with them and then me. So I don’t need to take it all personally.

“Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing there is a field. I'll meet you there.

~ Rumi

Exploring my shadow

Recently, my friend Barb sent me a quote:

"One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious." ~Carl Jung

Since this was the 3rd reference to our shadow in the last month, I was motivated to learn more. I opened a book I purchased 3 years ago, The Shadow Effect and turned to the website shadowwork.com.

I found out that Carl G. Jung used the term “shadow” to describe the part of the Self that is repressed or denied. Robert Bly in his book, A Little Book on the Human Shadow, says we are born into a "360-degree personality" as infants. Growing up, we learn parts of ourselves are not acceptable to the people around us, and we stuff these “shadows” in a backpack and drag them around with us the rest of our lives.

Shadowworks.com says that you can identify your shadows by looking at what you project onto others. When you deny a trait in yourself, you tend to be very aware of that trait in other people. So listen for blaming, guilt, gossip, or overly reacting to others’ behavior – it is a time you might learn about your shadow.

Also, we can see the shadow in our own inconsistencies – when you say you are going to do something and then don’t. For example, I say I am going to increase my self-care and I continue unhealthy habits. When you repeat behaviors unconsciously, it may be an opportunity to learn more about your shadow.

I had been taught I was supposed to clean up my act and get rid of my shadow demons. However, Depak Chopra in the book The Shadow Effect makes it clear that the “shadow” is not a problem to be solved – it is a fertile field to be cultivated. We can’t cut off parts of ourselves, and the more we evade our own shadow, the more it has power over us. The journey to wholeness means embracing our shadow self.

It is hard work to open the bag that Robert Bly talks about; it can be kind of smelly. Personally, when I started down this path to self-awareness, I wish I had known more about shame resilience (Brené Brown) and self-compassion (Kristin Neff). Facing our shadows and owning all parts of ourselves takes compassion and courage.

"Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.”- Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

Can we really change? New Year’s Resolutions have such a low success rate. Rick Hanson in his neuroscience book, Buddha’s Brain: the Practical Neuroscience of Happiness, says

“You really can nudge your whole being in a better direction every day.”

But how? Setting a goal with an action plan can work with more simple changes in our lives. But there’s no quick fix for the more complex ones like: increasing self-care, listening, being more present and finding meaning. Experiment with setting intentions in place of resolutions. Here are some suggestions. •Get quiet, centered in whatever practice works for you: meditation, a walk in the woods, a centering prayer, Yoga, T’ai Chi… •Formulate your intention: “What would life be like with a little more ___________in it?” Remember to focus on what you do know/want – not what you don’t…….a little more self-kindness, self-care, reflection, focus on what really matters, or something more specific such as an under par golf game, being more present with my children or being more productive with my time. Once you have discerned your intention (vague is OK). You can begin playing with it •If you know what it looks like, feels like, smells like, picture yourself being successful in your mind’s eye. Use all of your senses to summon this new reality. Make it today’s reality. •Repeat the process, learn to trust yourself, trust how life unfolds. Many wise ones have talked about how, when you are clear, unseen opportunities unfold.

“If you want to change your reality, change your focus. If you want to change your focus, change the questions you ask yourself. Questions control your focus, therefore questions control your own experience of life.”

~Kobi Yamada, Ever Wonder