Reflection without shame

So what was the big deal. As I sit at home, looking at the lake, it seems inconceivable that 6 more days in Europe was the source of any stress. What was the roller coaster of emotion about? Powerlessness? Fatigue? Uncertainty?

If you were to tell me I was going to be stuck in Amsterdam for 6 days, I would envision a totally different script. Meditating for hours, looking at art, creating art, writing, walking, beer in outdoor cafes. And there was some of that. And there were hours on hold trying to get a flight booked, watching the news to see if relief was in sight, exploring options (boats, rental cars, buying cars (to get to Spain), crowds, and huge crushing lines for service.

At times, I had a lot of trouble centering... the fear of being stuck was so huge. It is embarrassing and yet early on Tom and I had the policy of "no shoulda, woulda, coulda". So instead I am trying to harvest my lessons:

*mindfulness practices now will increase my access to being centered in times of stress (so up the practice)

*I don't need much stuff to be happy -- losing our baggage (later found in Minneapolis) was not a concern. Toothpaste and a one change of clothes kept life simple

*Many times I lost perspective and now I can learn from it instead of use it to beat myself up

*It helps to have support from friends, my husband and anonymous travel agents on the phone. Even the little "thinking of you notes" meant a lot.

Do we dare hope?

I noticed last night, when we received official word flights from Amsterdam would resume today, I was afraid to celebrate. I did not want to feel too hopeful as the disapointment of another cancellation would be harder. (With the ash still spewing and the airlines scrambling, cancellations are a real possibility) Is this realism or cynicism? How often do I not allow myself to feel what I feel?

Meanwhile, we have another day in The Netherlands. We will do as the locals do, get on a bike!

My personal power lab -- still stuck in Amsterdam

I am in a personal Power Lab (www.powerandsystems.com) Carrying around our little plastic bag of personal belongings (luggage is only available if you wait 6 hours while they manually search for bags that look like yours) working at the edge of my assumptions about power. I have long struggled with my image of holding up the world – it is all up to me. Along with that assumption is the false notion I can control things. The volcano is a formidable teacher. I am both learning to accept what is and keep focused on what I want to have happen.

I have been so appreciative of folks checking in, offering ideas, offering their support. Strangers offering their homes! Travel agents doing the best they can as they assist caller after caller.

Also, so many pieces of valuable advice have come my way. One category of coaching is to work on acceptance: enjoy being in Amsterdam – be present with what is. And I see the wisdom in that. At times I am accepting – particularly when I feel some hope. And it is hard to find that peaceful place amidst reports this delay could go on for WEEKS. I feel like I am driving from Nebraska through the rockies, each dip is deeper. I see that I need more mindfulness practice so I can quiet my mind easily. Fear has a tenacious grip when she wants to keep me safe (comfortable, "secure"). Adrenaline pumps, sleep is difficult, judgment impaired. It helps that our 4th hotel in 5 nights is near the airport and in a small town. Being in nature is critical for me to get grounded. Tom has been a great coach too. I am very grateful that we are together.

Another category of advice is “get moving”. Get a boat lined up (QEII has a suite for 10,000), go to Spain or Italy, rent a car, buy a car and ship it back… move towards the possibilities. There is wisdom here too. There is some value in staying informed and doing what we can from our end to get home. And when I swing too far, I never stop my computer research to notice the beauty around me. Again, tom is helpful here too.

The learning lab continues, no one knows when it will end...

The cloud continues

48 hours ago, we were stranded in Amsterdam. The first day, I was pumping adrenaline and fear had the dominant voice. Then we began to relax into our Monday departure. Why not enjoy Amsterdam? We had never spent time here. Instead of lamenting the choices we did not make... be present... many folks have laughed at us "What is bad about being stranded in Europe?" So we got a hotel in center city and bought some basics (did I mention our luggage is not available to us). We toured a huge flower garden, rode the canals, had beer while looking at great architecture and interesting bike riders. Tomorrow we will rent bikes to get into the country. I can get by, even do some of my work here over the next week. And yet as the volcano continues to spew and the winds continue to blow, it really could be a week or more that we are trapped unless we take action. We have fantasized about buying a scooter and riding down to Spain where planes are flying. Tom has looked at riding a freighter (not high on my list). What is so special about getting home? As Dorothy so clearly said with each tap -- there is no place like home.

Dealing with what is

We got to the airport early, anxious to get home to the states after almost 2 weeks of travel. To get on an earlier flight was $250, so we decided to wait as our scheduled flight was 4 hours before the airport closed. Mechanical delays, cancellations and rebookings had us on a flight to detroit. We were settled and ready to take off at 5:30. However the 7:00 closing (due to the volcanic cloud of ash) was moved up to 5:30. Stranded. They told us we could not get our luggage and there were no rooms. Luckily our WONDERFUL agent (linda stone, Am Ex, Center for Creative Leadership) found us great accomodations for 1 night. And yet when I watch the news and see this might be for 2 weeks, I get sick inside. $250 looks like a reasonable price to avoid this. Still, this is what is. Why do I feel so awful? Is it because I was stranded during 9/11 as well? Is it because I feel vulnerable and powerless? And yet we are so lucky. I am with my husband. We have a bed and safe place to sleep. We have credit cards to get us food and transport? What is like to really be displaced? To live in war? To lose your home? I have taken so much for granted. I am so blessed. Time to work on my gratitude journal.

Being Present

Why is showing up, moment to moment, so hard? My mind swoops and dives forward and backwards in time. I miss the smell of the air, the spring buds, the silliness of my puppy... I was reminded of this by 2 people this week. My friend Beryl Singleton Bissell commented on last week's quote and question:

"To allow oneself to be carried away
by a multitude of conflicting concerns,
to surrender to too many demands,
to commit oneself to too many projects,
to want to help everyone in everything,
is to succumb to the violence of our times."

~Thomas Merton

How am I succumbing to the violence of our times?

Beryl wrote back: "I find myself succumbing to this violence each time I forget to be fully present to whatever it is I am doing. Instead I rush through things to get to what should be an “attitude” but instead has become a “place.” (you can read more of her reflection on her blog: http://findingtimeforgod.blogspot.com/2010/03/violence-of-daily.html)

And then, in another conversation about self-care, a friend said she relishes the small slice of time she takes each morning before her young children wake.

What would this week be like if I were a little more present? Relishing the moments?