A Little More Forgiveness

“To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you. ~Lewis B. Smedes

The Worldwide Forgiveness Alliance declared Aug 4, 2013 as world wide forgiveness day. What would it take to have a little more forgiveness in our lives?

I knew a person who held a grudge for over 50 years. She was disappointed in the man she married. He hurt her feelings,left her at home with the babies while he played golf and he violated her trust by taking money from the family savings. As a consequence, she carried anger, bitterness and resentment for 50+ years. She felt very justified in her feelings. She never noticed that she had created 50+ years of living in a toxic soup of negativity. It impacted her well-being and leaked into other relationships.

I know several others who headed the same direction… so consumed with how they were hurt, so angry at someone's behavior. It overshadows all that is good in their life and inhibits their ability to be present.

Getting hurt or disappointed is almost inevitable. Someone criticizes your parenting, comments on the weight, violates your confidences, hurts you intentionally, drinks too much, lies to you….

What would it take to bring a bit more forgiveness into our lives?

The Mayo Clinic website says;
“Generally, forgiveness is a decision to let go of resentment and thoughts of revenge. The act that hurt or offended you might always remain a part of your life, but forgiveness can lessen its grip on you and help you focus on other, positive parts of your life. Forgiveness can even lead to feelings of understanding, empathy and compassion for the one who hurt you. Forgiveness doesn't mean that you deny the other person's responsibility for hurting you, and it doesn't minimize or justify the wrong. You can forgive the person without excusing the act. Forgiveness brings a kind of peace that helps you go on with life.”

“Often, we think that by having compassion for someone, we are excusing his/her behavior. This isn’t true. Compassion provides us with a lens that helps us understand—not excuse—people’s actions.” ~Bethany Butzer

There are many ways to open our hearts to forgiveness. We may need professional help, time or healing practices (like the loving kindness meditation). It is worth learning. Forgiveness serves OUR well-being. As the Worldwide Forgiveness Alliance says, forgiveness is the greatest healer of all…

Grandma Bench dedicated in my mother's honor

We recently held a small memorial for my mother who passed away 2 years ago.
It has me thinking about legacy and what we bequeath those who follow.
How do we, as Max Lucado says, "outlive our lives"?

For my mother it was launching her children. Though not a nurturing woman, she was tireless in her dedication that all of her children get an education like herself and her parents before her. For my father, who passed away about 20 years ago, it was a life of service. As a committed volunteer and councilman, he touched many lives. It was not only what he did but how he did it - with respect and gentleness. For others the legacy is creating art, how we raise our children or healing ourselves (so we do not pass on the family wounds to another generation).

So I ask myself, how am I living and what would be my legacy as of today?
Would it be getting my 'to-do' list done? What makes a life well-lived? What forms a legacy? I think the first step is to live as Parker Palmer says, an undivided life (where what is on the inside is reflected clearly on the outside). Gandhi said, "Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony." Gandhi was committed to living a life with integrity, to always assume responsibility for his actions. He did not back off in front of authority figures and he was ready to die to uphold his principles.

I am not Gandhi. And I am unique. I have a precious life-force; energy to create my next chapter. How do I use it?

My mother left the following quote in a file marked "upon my death". I would be thrilled if this was my legacy:

"To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children, to leave the world a better place, to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived, this is to have succeeded."
― Ralph Waldo Emerson

Competition That Hurts

This week I noticed I was feeling crummy. I noticed I was doing lots of negative self-talk. When I thought about its' source, I realized it came from hearing colleagues talk about their success. One has received a great deal of work and one is living her dream. Now why did this make me feel crummy? Because I compared myself. Even though I have enough work and my Life’s Work is my work, I thought, “Oh no, they are doing better than me.” It was as if somehow that made me less than.

Can I be OK if others are smarter, faster, or make more money? Can I be OK if others meditate more, seem more present, more grounded or more loving? We have such a competitive culture it is easy to get confused. We confuse excellence or being our best self, with being better than other people. It a silly way to feel OK about ourselves.

In the March/April issue of The Intelligent Optimist magazine, there was an interesting article entitled “Life is Not a Contest”. It seems there is a growing body of research that shows competitiveness can interfere with both performance and well-being in the classroom, workplace and amazingly – on the playing field.
This makes sense, when we are focused on others; we give our power away. Elipting (at term coined by aikdo master, Wendy Palmer) is when we lose focus on what we want to be about and what we want to create; our attention elipts onto others.

So what to do if you catch yourself comparing yourself, like I did earlier this week? No Contest author, Alfie Kohn, recommends monitoring yourself and catching yourself in the act of comparing or focusing on beating others. If my boss praises a co-worker in a meeting that does not mean I am not doing good work. I need to remember what I have been focused on, what I have accomplished. If I don’t do well or we lose, it is not a sign I am a loser. It is feedback for me to reflect on, to learn from.

“Take someone who doesn't keep score,
who's not looking to be richer, or afraid of losing,
who has not the slightest interest even
in his own personality: he's free.”
― Rumi

Appreciating My Community

As I rode in a shuttle from Guelph to Toronto last week, the woman seated next to me started talking about the Ontario landscape. She had sold their farm in Guelph and moved to Alberta because of a sick son. They bought a ranch out there, but, she didn’t imagine she would stay. She had deep roots in Ontario. She shared many stories about the wild life and the beauty of her ranch in Alberta. However, she said, it was the community that convinced her she had found her permanent home.

Early on, a new neighbor came over and introduced himself and invited them to dinner. She said they almost did not go as they were exhausted from unpacking, but they thought it would be rude to turn down their first invitation. So they went to find he had invited about 100 of their closet neighbors gathered to meet the new family. Through her neighbors, she has learned about community. "You never have to ask for help." she said. For example, she checking the fields with a neighbor. They stopped for coffee and the neighbor casually mentioned she was dividing calves the next day. My seatmate posted this news on Facebook and the next day 30 people showed up to help. What would have taken days was done in 6 hours. “Now I know what a community is and I am not leaving”, she said.

We got to the airport before I could say, I know what you mean." I could share many lessons about community from our 19 years in Cook County. We can be hard on each other at times, call each other names and disagree. But when the need is great, this community will surround you with love – the kind of love that heals.

“Community is a sign that love is possible in a materialistic world where people so often either ignore or fight each other. It is a sign that we don't need a lot of money to be happy--in fact, the opposite.”
― Jean Vanier, Community And Growth

"To be awake is to be alive." ~ Henry David Thoreau

I have been listening to different friends talk about what is going on in their lives and looking at their patterns. It is so much easier to see patterns in someone else, much easier than seeing them in myself. I can see where they continue to date the guy who breaks their heart or sacrifice their well-being for the job.

Have you heard the story of asking the fish what water is like – and the fish responds, “what is water?” That is how our patterns are, invisible like the water in which we swim. This is why I value reflection and self-observation. I ask myself what story am I telling myself? What do I do to keep myself safe? I used to think reflection was of no value. Only when I got a glimpse of my own contradictions did I add some reflection into my life.

In my practice of reflection I have noticed some of my patterns
* I tend to live in tomorrow or yesterday.
* I expect a lot (too much?) of myself and others.
* I assume that there is not enough time for all I want to accomplish.
• I assume obligation is more important than self-care.

None of these stories serve me, but they are they were directing my choices and behavior – almost invisibly. And they are embarrassing. Silly when I name them.

What story are we telling ourselves about how we “have to live our day?” If we don’t observe ourselves, we will never know our choices.

“Waking up is not a selfish pursuit of happiness, it is a revolutionary stance, from the inside out, for the benefit of all beings in existence.” ~Noah Levine

Love in Action

"Love begins at home, and it is not how much we do... but how much love we put in that action." ~Mother Teresa

I was inspired to talk about love by a few things that happened this week. Even though I do it with hesitation. I am such a learner in this arena. I was inspired by a conversation I had with a friend who went to a conference on love (particularly self-love) and heard an "On Being" episode Krista Tippet talking about the civil rights movement with Rep. John Lewis.

From the On Being transcript:
Rep. Lewis: Well, I think in our culture, I think sometimes people are afraid to say I love you. But we're afraid to say, especially in public life, many elected officials or worldly elected officials, are afraid to talk about love. Maybe people tend to think something is so emotional about it. Maybe it's a sign of weakness. And we're not supposed to cry. We're supposed to be strong, but love is strong. Love is powerful.

The movement created what I like to call a nonviolent revolution. It was love at its best. It's one of the highest form of love. That you beat me, you arrest me, you take me to jail, you almost kill me, but in spite of that, I'm going to still love you. I know Dr. King used to joke sometime and say things like, "Just love the hell outta everybody. Just love 'em."

Rep Jon Lewis references an African proverb – “when you pray move your feet”

What are the different ways we can show love in action:

• How we listen
• Empathy
• Attend or remembering what is important to others
• Hospitality
• Acceptance of the whole person (shadow)
• Forgiveness
• Self Care

Let us always meet each other with smile, for the smile is the beginning of love. ~Mother Teresa

And the best smile starts on the inside or as Mother Teresa said,… “love begins at home.”

What is the source of our love in action? Is what people think? Is it to make others think you are a nice person? The most powerful love in action is because you are so full of love it overflows; where you love, forgive, and are kind to yourself.

What would love in action look like for you?

The less effort, the faster and more powerful you will be.
~Bruce Lee

Planning for our trip to New Zealand, I thought I should schedule a personal retreat for myself; it would be helpful to be on the other side of the process once again. I started searching for options. I kept coming back to one that had both bodywork and the enneagram. Perfect! But after several email exchanges, I did not get information I wanted. How did she work? How to get there without a car? With no more information, I felt dis-ease about going. Still I thought I should commit and submit myself to the process. Only when I asked to sign up did she tell me that getting there was very difficult (2 buses and a ferry). I had limited time and more importantly, I felt she was not forthcoming to a question I had to ask 4 times "how would I get there". I asked myself, "was I afraid to go?" No, it felt right to let go of this option. I did not sign up.

Around the same time, my sister told me I could stay at the retreat center in Auckland for free. My flight there was less than 1 night’s lodging in Christchurch. So, I followed the path that was opening. The Auckland retreat would be self-managed. I still wanted to learn from someone too. It turned out what I needed was just over the fence in Kaikoura (where we are spending most of our time). The first day, our host offered to set up a massage for us with the woman literally over the fence. Sure. It turned out she is not only a massage therapist, she is an “Integrated Breath Therapist” and wasn’t I just saying I wanted to learn more and work more with my breath? After all of my effort, what I needed showed up. It is helpful to be reminded; I don’t always have to make it happen.

And I did learn from my earlier efforts to book a retreat in Christchurch:
1. I need to put more on my website to let folks know who I am and how I work so they can assess the fit.
2. I need to describe the structure of retreats. The structure provides a bridge to enter into relationship and build trust. Then allow for what emerges to guide us.
3. AND, I need to let potential retreaters know how to get to Lutsen.

Put your heart, mind, intellect and soul even to your smallest acts. This is the secret of success. ~Swami Sivananda

Cultivating Creativity

“What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters, compared to what lies within us.” ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

We all have creativity. Although not all of us are painters or sculptors, we do have the option to creating our days, dealing with dilemmas in innovative ways, writing silly poems, or thinking creatively about how to celebrate something.

Creativity can be cultivated. The beginning of my “creative recovery” is directly tied to the book The Artist Way by Julia Cameron. I first discovered this book about 20 years ago and have gone through it several times since, twice with groups doing it together. Julia Cameron contends that

“Creativity is the natural order of life. Life is energy: pure creative energy.”
~ Julia Cameron

I continue to be in awe of her genius in gently helping our creativity re-awaken. I want to share her 2 basic tools: “Morning Pages” and the “Artist Date”.

Morning pages: First thing every morning write (in longhand) 3 pages of stream of consciousness. There is no wrong way to do this. It is not art nor is it even writing: it is a “clearing of the pipes” so to speak. One of the best ways for me to do it is “free fall”, putting the pen to the paper and writing until the 3 pages are done (sometimes with a timer). That way I really tap into my stream of consciousness.

Julia Cameron believes the morning pages help us get to the other side of the critic voice.
“The morning pages are the primary tool of creative recovery. Often they are negative or self-pitying, bland or stilted. As blocked artists we tend to criticize ourselves mercilessly.” It is an opportunity to observe our interior monologue and to know the critic voice is not truth. Mine often devolve into thinking about what I have to do that day.

For those of us who are dominated by our left brain (logic, linguistic, linear), this creates a space for the feeling and imagery side of our brain to ‘have a voice” I, as well as several people I know, have found at some point during morning pages, a poem or little piece of creative writing flow out of them.

Artist Date: This is a practice I have gotten a failing grade at. It is a block of time (perhaps 2 hours) each week committed to nurturing your creative consciousness. “In its most primary form, the artist date is an excursion, a play date that you pre-plan and defend against all interlopers.” This is a solitary activity. Cameron contends you cannot afford not to give yourself this time. Basically it is a date with your inner artist, to be taken out and pampered.

What delights you? Fills you up? What is fun to play with?

• Visiting garage sales
• Walking along the shore or in the woods
• Watching a movie alone
• Taking a photo-walk
• Collaging
• Sketching (even though I am not an artist)

Commit to this and then watch your “serious” self try to break the date.

We each have creativity. We all started that way, but many of us have forgotten. The path to reclaiming my inner creative self is a journey of rediscovering the delight of seeing the world with new eyes, seeing choices I never knew were there.

How might I live my days a little more creatively?

“During periods of relaxation after concentrated intellectual activity, the intuitive mind sees to take over and produce the sudden clarifying insights which give us so much joy and delight.” ~Fritjof Capra, physicist

Am I gritty enough?: exploring persistence

Energy and persistence conquer all things.
~Benjamin Franklin

The Nov/Dec edition of The Intelligent Optimist magazine’s lead story was about the power of persistence.

Persistence is defined as “firm or obstinate continuance in a course of action in spite of difficulty or opposition”.

Do I have persistence where it matters most?

“Success is stumbling from failure to failure with no loss of enthusiasm.” ~Winston Churchill

I can think of many times I have given up on things I really wanted to do: theater in college because auditions were too hard; guitar lessons; tennis after taking lessons as an adult and my game became atrocious....

In some cases it was wise to give up as I realized my heart was not in it, or it was an ego pursuit, not something that really mattered. There were some times I did persist despite obstacles, such as creating a women’s leadership program and staying married.

Psychologists have rolled persistence and perseverance into a test: the “grit scale”. It is available online. A score of 5 means you are extremely “gritty”. I got a 3.6. I’m not sure what that means other than I have some.

There is a positive benefit to grit. Happiness is a by-product of pursuits of interest and “grit” sustains these pursuits. There is no correlation between grit and IQ but there is between grit and success. A medium IQ/high grit person will often out-perform the high IQ/low grit person. Grit is a key element of success.

Researchers have located the part of the brain responsible for persistence and believe it can be strengthened over time.

It has been shown that we can prime ourselves to have grit. In a study at the U of MA one of the control groups read about an Olympic gold medalist saying things like, “Strangely enough you can do more than you think.” Those students performed better on a handgrip test, enduring more pain. This was done unconsciously, so just think what we can do to prime ourselves consciously.

One note of caution: it helps to have a bit of discernment here. Why am I persisting? Is it because I hate losing? Because I worry about what people will think? If you find yourself failing and giving up, think: “Does this really matter? Do I care? Is it mine to create? Or am I driven by my mini- me on this one" Persistence in everything is not a virture, discernment combined with persistence is.

What is worth my persistence?

“I am not judged by the number of times I fail, but by the number of times I succeed: and the number of times I succeed is in direct proportion to the number of times I fail and keep trying.”
~Tom Hopkins

Embracing vulnerability

“Authenticity is the daily practice of letting go of who we think we are supposed to be and embracing who we are.” ~ Brené Brown

This week we ran an old radio show, the one where I first describe Dr Brené Brown's work. That was 2 years ago. I am so grateful that my daughter sent me her TED talk. At first, I was embarrassed, thinking she was revealing my secrets. If you listened this week to the replay, you may hear my hesitance in using the word "shame" on the air. I wish I could remember more about my embarrassment. Because now,I am so grateful for her research and the lessons in resilience. I have so many stories of times where shame has taken me hostage and a new little voice in my head asks what is going on? Is it shame? Then I remember the 3 C's - courage to look at what is going on; compassion for myself and connecting with trusted friends who will empathize.

A few weeks ago, I left a family member's house feeling icky. In the past I might have pushed through this. This time, I wondered why? I remembered I had said something that was harsh. I did not mean it be personal, but I think it was taken that way. I was ashamed of myself. Then I thought maybe I could just feel guilty instead (there is a big difference). Feeling guilty meant I could do something to make amends. I called the victim of my words and apologized. I felt vulnerable doing this. But I did it. And I called the witness of my words and apologized again. I felt lighter. I could forgive myself for my error and felt hopeful that I might be a bit more resilient.

Thank you Dr. Brown!

“God give me the courage to show up and let myself be seen.”

Brené Brown

It may not be personal, it may be projection

“To become the best of myself, I have to accept the worst in myself, comfort it, put it to bed and close the door.” ~Beryl Singleton Bissell

The second agreement in Don Miguel Ruiz’ book, The Four Agreements,is “Don't Take it Personally”. Other people are just living out their story as best they can. Their actions, judgments, blaming, name calling are a reflection of their story. I have always liked the idea but have not always succeeded. As I have been learning more about that as I explore the Jungian concept of the shadow and it's manifestation - projection, I realize the truth of Ruiz's agreement.

As you may recall from my last blog, the shadow is those parts of ourselves we viewed as unacceptable and have disowned. These dark emotions are repressed and unconscious, but they keep popping up. Instead of feeling and dealing with my own pain, I project it on others. It is easier to blame others and to focus on them not being enough than to take responsibility than it is to feel my way through my own fear of not being enough. It is, "I am OK, you are not and I feel better about that."

I can use my projections to see my own shadow, notice it, and contact those hidden feelings beneath it. I can learn to accept that I am this way for a reason. It takes the power away from the shadow and helps me return to wholeness.

According to Chopra, Ford, and Williamson in The Shadow Effect, we can work our way through this in four choices:

1. Stop Projecting. Notice it. This is tricky, as the source is unconscious. Negativity is a sign that I am projecting.This reminds me of Dr. Brené Brown's work on being more resilient with shame and vulnerability. It takes courage to look at what is going on; what is behind it

2. Detach and let go. It is hard to let go of the negative. Feelings have a compelling story behind them. You are not your feelings. Chopra et al suggest you treat negative feelings like the an allergy or cold - a cold makes you miserable, but it passes. Brené Brown suggests reaching out and connecting with trusted ones who will empathize with you.

3. Give up self-judgment. Brené Brown calls this choice compassion. We are not less than for having these negative feelings. I can still listen and hold on to my conscience without beating myself up. (To hear an example of how I used Brown's 3 steps of courage, connection and compassion, listen to the Best of Ourselves radio segment)

4. Rebuild your emotional body. As negative feelings surface, replace them with something new. Just like a rock in your shoe, remove it. Chopra says the way to do this is to have a Vision, for example:
• becoming whole,
• being the best of myself,
• learning self-acceptance:

I am realizing more and more what Beryl said is so true, to become my best self I DO have to accept my worst self. And understanding projection further reinforces Ruiz’s 2nd agreement. How other people react to me has as much (or more) to do with them and then me. So I don’t need to take it all personally.

“Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing there is a field. I'll meet you there.

~ Rumi

Exploring my shadow

Recently, my friend Barb sent me a quote:

"One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious." ~Carl Jung

Since this was the 3rd reference to our shadow in the last month, I was motivated to learn more. I opened a book I purchased 3 years ago, The Shadow Effect and turned to the website shadowwork.com.

I found out that Carl G. Jung used the term “shadow” to describe the part of the Self that is repressed or denied. Robert Bly in his book, A Little Book on the Human Shadow, says we are born into a "360-degree personality" as infants. Growing up, we learn parts of ourselves are not acceptable to the people around us, and we stuff these “shadows” in a backpack and drag them around with us the rest of our lives.

Shadowworks.com says that you can identify your shadows by looking at what you project onto others. When you deny a trait in yourself, you tend to be very aware of that trait in other people. So listen for blaming, guilt, gossip, or overly reacting to others’ behavior – it is a time you might learn about your shadow.

Also, we can see the shadow in our own inconsistencies – when you say you are going to do something and then don’t. For example, I say I am going to increase my self-care and I continue unhealthy habits. When you repeat behaviors unconsciously, it may be an opportunity to learn more about your shadow.

I had been taught I was supposed to clean up my act and get rid of my shadow demons. However, Depak Chopra in the book The Shadow Effect makes it clear that the “shadow” is not a problem to be solved – it is a fertile field to be cultivated. We can’t cut off parts of ourselves, and the more we evade our own shadow, the more it has power over us. The journey to wholeness means embracing our shadow self.

It is hard work to open the bag that Robert Bly talks about; it can be kind of smelly. Personally, when I started down this path to self-awareness, I wish I had known more about shame resilience (Brené Brown) and self-compassion (Kristin Neff). Facing our shadows and owning all parts of ourselves takes compassion and courage.

"Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.”- Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

Can we really change? New Year’s Resolutions have such a low success rate. Rick Hanson in his neuroscience book, Buddha’s Brain: the Practical Neuroscience of Happiness, says

“You really can nudge your whole being in a better direction every day.”

But how? Setting a goal with an action plan can work with more simple changes in our lives. But there’s no quick fix for the more complex ones like: increasing self-care, listening, being more present and finding meaning. Experiment with setting intentions in place of resolutions. Here are some suggestions. •Get quiet, centered in whatever practice works for you: meditation, a walk in the woods, a centering prayer, Yoga, T’ai Chi… •Formulate your intention: “What would life be like with a little more ___________in it?” Remember to focus on what you do know/want – not what you don’t…….a little more self-kindness, self-care, reflection, focus on what really matters, or something more specific such as an under par golf game, being more present with my children or being more productive with my time. Once you have discerned your intention (vague is OK). You can begin playing with it •If you know what it looks like, feels like, smells like, picture yourself being successful in your mind’s eye. Use all of your senses to summon this new reality. Make it today’s reality. •Repeat the process, learn to trust yourself, trust how life unfolds. Many wise ones have talked about how, when you are clear, unseen opportunities unfold.

“If you want to change your reality, change your focus. If you want to change your focus, change the questions you ask yourself. Questions control your focus, therefore questions control your own experience of life.”

~Kobi Yamada, Ever Wonder