Competition That Hurts

This week I noticed I was feeling crummy. I noticed I was doing lots of negative self-talk. When I thought about its' source, I realized it came from hearing colleagues talk about their success. One has received a great deal of work and one is living her dream. Now why did this make me feel crummy? Because I compared myself. Even though I have enough work and my Life’s Work is my work, I thought, “Oh no, they are doing better than me.” It was as if somehow that made me less than.

Can I be OK if others are smarter, faster, or make more money? Can I be OK if others meditate more, seem more present, more grounded or more loving? We have such a competitive culture it is easy to get confused. We confuse excellence or being our best self, with being better than other people. It a silly way to feel OK about ourselves.

In the March/April issue of The Intelligent Optimist magazine, there was an interesting article entitled “Life is Not a Contest”. It seems there is a growing body of research that shows competitiveness can interfere with both performance and well-being in the classroom, workplace and amazingly – on the playing field.
This makes sense, when we are focused on others; we give our power away. Elipting (at term coined by aikdo master, Wendy Palmer) is when we lose focus on what we want to be about and what we want to create; our attention elipts onto others.

So what to do if you catch yourself comparing yourself, like I did earlier this week? No Contest author, Alfie Kohn, recommends monitoring yourself and catching yourself in the act of comparing or focusing on beating others. If my boss praises a co-worker in a meeting that does not mean I am not doing good work. I need to remember what I have been focused on, what I have accomplished. If I don’t do well or we lose, it is not a sign I am a loser. It is feedback for me to reflect on, to learn from.

“Take someone who doesn't keep score,
who's not looking to be richer, or afraid of losing,
who has not the slightest interest even
in his own personality: he's free.”
― Rumi

Appreciating My Community

As I rode in a shuttle from Guelph to Toronto last week, the woman seated next to me started talking about the Ontario landscape. She had sold their farm in Guelph and moved to Alberta because of a sick son. They bought a ranch out there, but, she didn’t imagine she would stay. She had deep roots in Ontario. She shared many stories about the wild life and the beauty of her ranch in Alberta. However, she said, it was the community that convinced her she had found her permanent home.

Early on, a new neighbor came over and introduced himself and invited them to dinner. She said they almost did not go as they were exhausted from unpacking, but they thought it would be rude to turn down their first invitation. So they went to find he had invited about 100 of their closet neighbors gathered to meet the new family. Through her neighbors, she has learned about community. "You never have to ask for help." she said. For example, she checking the fields with a neighbor. They stopped for coffee and the neighbor casually mentioned she was dividing calves the next day. My seatmate posted this news on Facebook and the next day 30 people showed up to help. What would have taken days was done in 6 hours. “Now I know what a community is and I am not leaving”, she said.

We got to the airport before I could say, I know what you mean." I could share many lessons about community from our 19 years in Cook County. We can be hard on each other at times, call each other names and disagree. But when the need is great, this community will surround you with love – the kind of love that heals.

“Community is a sign that love is possible in a materialistic world where people so often either ignore or fight each other. It is a sign that we don't need a lot of money to be happy--in fact, the opposite.”
― Jean Vanier, Community And Growth

"To be awake is to be alive." ~ Henry David Thoreau

I have been listening to different friends talk about what is going on in their lives and looking at their patterns. It is so much easier to see patterns in someone else, much easier than seeing them in myself. I can see where they continue to date the guy who breaks their heart or sacrifice their well-being for the job.

Have you heard the story of asking the fish what water is like – and the fish responds, “what is water?” That is how our patterns are, invisible like the water in which we swim. This is why I value reflection and self-observation. I ask myself what story am I telling myself? What do I do to keep myself safe? I used to think reflection was of no value. Only when I got a glimpse of my own contradictions did I add some reflection into my life.

In my practice of reflection I have noticed some of my patterns
* I tend to live in tomorrow or yesterday.
* I expect a lot (too much?) of myself and others.
* I assume that there is not enough time for all I want to accomplish.
• I assume obligation is more important than self-care.

None of these stories serve me, but they are they were directing my choices and behavior – almost invisibly. And they are embarrassing. Silly when I name them.

What story are we telling ourselves about how we “have to live our day?” If we don’t observe ourselves, we will never know our choices.

“Waking up is not a selfish pursuit of happiness, it is a revolutionary stance, from the inside out, for the benefit of all beings in existence.” ~Noah Levine